Defeated

Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel.... deflated? Like the balloon of promise about something that has been lifting you up for awhile, keeping you high above the drabness of your life just got popped. Ohhhh, that's me.

I have been researching going back to school for a few months now. I have it narrowed down to a couple of schools in New York and one in Boston.

New York School of Interior Design

Pratt Institute

Boston Architectural College

I am going out there in November and have been VERY excited about it. I can't stop thinking about the "endless" opportunities that a degree would offer me or give me a head start on. The knowledge and experience that an actual education in design would offer me. I have been wanting an adventure for the last year or so (please refer to THIS post). Wouldn't New York just be amazing to experience?? Or Boston even? I can imagine going to all these cool classes learning about colors, and drafting, and furniture and LAWD that just gets me all revved up!

Currently I work for a yacht building company and am an Interior Design Assistant. Obviously, this sounds like a great job. And, trust me, IT IS. Very cool working environment, great pay, "possibilities". However, for the last 5 months I have just been so bored. Not the whole time, but a lot of it. Because of my lack of actual experience and knowledge in design, I am left to run errands, return samples, write up select orders and general administrative duties. You know, like an assistant would do (I understand that this is my job and also that everyone needs to start somewhere). But despite that I am feeling really unchallenged and wanting more, still. I know for a fact that design is a passion of mine and I think I would be REALLY good at it given the opportunity. How do I get this opportunity other than going to school and proving that I CAN?

Coming back down now. Reasons that were brought to my attention (I had previously been just ignoring them or assuming that they would just you know... "work out")

1. MONEY. Hello, school costs a boat load, so does living in NY.... can I actually afford this? Probably not.

2. Friends. I have a pretty cool group of friends. I like them. We do fun and cliche stuff like trips to the pumpkin patch, preppy beach weekends, picnics in the park, etc. I love it. Why would I leave that???

3. Leaving a great job that I already have in a poor economy that has "potential" for advancement. Its true, so why would I leave?

4. Family. They are an hour away. No more going home for weekends. No more breakfasts with dad. Trips home would be more selective and infinitely more expensive.

5. Starting over. Completely. I mean, new degree, new city, new friends, new job, new finances, EV-ER-Y-THING. Completely different. I hate change.... why do I always bring it on myself.

I was you know... crying in the bathroom about the whole thing. Just felt a lot of self-doubt and worry and frustration. I was at work though so I got myself back together and went back to my desk and had a very reassuring convo with my good friend, we'll call her "J". She is currently going back to school for counseling and had these insights to give me. It instantly made me feel better: This was the gist of our conversation....

Me: I feel defeated...

J: Well here is a kinda pep talk. YES you know there are factors that make school hard. You figured out that without people telling you (etc rent, tuition, not knowing people), BUT, if it is a desire of yours, you take the bad with the good. What you need to do is (aside from what others say) sit down and figure out your pros and cons of going. After looking at them on paper...decide if YOU think its worth it. The other way you will get an answer is whether God opens/closes doors..ie. you get accepted to the school/are able to find housing etc. Sometimes he works through those scenarios to direct us to where we are supposed to go so be prayerful about it. I mean, we all want our friends opinions on things...but ultimately..you know yourself, your personality, desires better than any outsider.

She is right. She made me feel much better and reminded me to lay this one in God's hands. If it works out, it works out. If not...I still have the job I am at and life goes on.

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