What if

I just spent a great weekend at home. The weekends are for slowing down and taking a break from work. My routines are halted (although I have weekend routines too) and my mind has a chance to relax and enjoy taking it easy. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I get a familiar feeling almost every weekend. It isn't dread anymore. It is just this mixed bag of longing for something different and this unsettled feeling inside my tummy. Since I graduated over a year ago, I have had this same feeling and it has yet to go away. This last year was pretty tough for me for a number of reasons. I am not one for change and just about EVERYTHING changed from graduation, to friends, to jobs, to where I live. After a couple of breakdowns (one in IKEA), flights to Alabama, and some loooooooooong talks with parents, I have now fallen into this numb walk.

For a long time I thought it would go away when I met someone and got on the dating, marriage, babies track. I am starting to realize that might be the worst thing for me right now. I woke up in my bed at home this weekend and was laying there for awhile, and this very VERY clear thought would not leave my mind. It was something to the effect of, "You cannot get married or get into a serious relationship until you have fulfilled this desire to experience something different". I cannot tell you what a relief that was to think that in my own head and for a minute take the pressure off of wanting to find someone... for a minute anyways.

To indulge myself and my lingering need to do something drastically different with my life I usually play the "What-if" game. For example, these are my "what-ifs" I have been pondering this weekend:

1. What if I moved home and saved money.
2. What if I used that money to travel through Europe.
3. What if I used that money to go back to school for design.
4. What if I went to design school instead of buying a house.
5. What if I went to design school in like, Maine or New York.
6. What if I actually applied to crew aboard a yacht and was paid to travel around the world?
7. What if I sold my car and biked to work.
8. What if I moved to an exotic location in like Whistler or Denmark, and had to figure out how to live?
9. I could work in a cafe and meet all sorts of interesting people and...
10. What are the odds that I will do any of this EVER?